okay.

I miss my son.  Most days I do OK.  I no longer feel the big ginormous gaping hole in the middle of my soul.  But sometimes it's there.  And that is okay.

The blog started as a way to keep acquaintances, my "work family", and other family&friends informed and as a way to protect me from questions that can be just too hard to answer.  So I guess maybe I will keep it up a bit longer - at least until I go back to work.  There are stories that I left untold - that I had planned to tell, but did not, especially James' birth story.  As I get further away from those 6 hours, it feels more and more personal.  Right after it happened, I could have written the story quite linearly, with none of the juicy stuff.  First this, then that.  Now I am processing and I can't tell the story without my deepest and most personal feelings, thoughts, and fears coming through.  So I am writing it.  Just not here, and not as regularly as I should.  I am still a bit surprised that I ever used this format to communicate - but a Facebook post
of "James just died" seemed a little inappropriate and it helped let people know what the expected outcome was, before we got there.  So this medium has served it's purpose for me.

Originally I planned to keep this blog up/readable, so that someone dealing with something similar would have yet another story to read.  Now I am pretty sure that I won't.  I know once posted, the internet never forgets.  But I am pretty sure I don't have an active stalking audience.  I will print it.  I will keep it.  But "ain't nobody need to see that" 20 years from now.

I am doing okay.  not great.  not horrible. okay.  I'm plagued by anxiety normally and it seems to be a heck of a lot worse than usual.  But I can function.  I am terrified to go back to work.  But I will (our Powerball numbers didn't hit).  I'm just a little scared of people now a days...probably just because I am not sure how I will respond.  What about the well meaning patient or their family who last saw me months ago when pregnant - when they so kindly remember that I was having a baby and care enough about me to remember. What do I tell them when they ask how the baby is?  I can't just lie and say fine or this fiction will persist in time.  If I say he died, well that's a whole "nuther" level of awkwardness and emotions.  I will figure it out. I have a few weeks to practice.

Argh.

Also, this whole Lake Norman area is a bit small.  If you see me out and about - please come up and say hi.  I am grieving.  I don't have drug-resistent TB.  My grief and anxiety make it a little harder for me to initiate a conversation, but I still like people!!!  Well, let's be a bit more honest.  I still like SOME people ;)

Sunshine, jellybeans and rainbows.

I will be....okay...